Shame no Longer Holds me – My Unplanned Pregnancy

Saturday, July 2 

Our relationship was stronger than ever as we stepped into our third summer together. It was Fourth of July weekend- which has always been a weekend of celebrations for us. We usually go camping upstate, but this year we stayed home to hang out by the pool. Little did we know things were about to look even more unusual. This was the weekend we found out our lives would be changed forever- the weekend I found out I was pregnant. 

It was impossible for me to wrap my head around it. This new reality was so far off from my life plans that my brain just didn’t know how to comprehend the fact. I relate the feeling to what rushed through my body the day I got the call that my grandfather passed away. It wasn’t sad, or happy, or angry, it was a numbing blow that resulted in no emotion. 

Sunday, July 3

The next day, we went to church. My close friend Claudia was going to be there, and I knew I had to tell her, as she was 7 months pregnant herself. 

Before the sermon, we both went to the bathroom. I couldn’t hold myself back from waiting until afterwards to tell her. I don’t remember verbatim how it went, but from what my mom-brain can gather, it went something like this. 

*In the stall* 

“So I have something to tell you.”

“Oh?! what is it?!” 

“I wanted to wait until after church but i just dont think I can hold it in.”

“You can wait if you want?! or you can tell me now..” 

“Well, you’re not going to believe this.” 

“Lianna just tell me what is it!?” 

“I.. am… pregnant..”

Immediately she hugged me. “Congratulations!” she exclaimed 

I was confused. 

“Congratulations? This is something to celebrate? you’re not judging me?” I thought to myself

“Congrats? Are you sure?” I said 

“Of course!! This is great news!” 

{Side note, the sermon that day was about wrong expectations.. }

Shame. 

In that moment, I realized that there was this weight of shame lingering in my pregnancy that not even I realized was there. 

My excitement was clouded by fear, guilt, confusion, and hesitancy. 

Was this God blessing me? or punishing me? 

I knew kids were a blessing, a miracle from God, but why didn’t I feel ‘blessed’?

The thought alone brought on even more shame. I wanted to be pregnant one day. As a matter of fact I was already prepping my body TO get pregnant, but just.. not yet..not for a couple of years.

Laughing at me? Or With me?

I had it all planned out. After my IUD removal, I would get my first period, track my cycle, regulate my hormones, get married, enjoy at least 1 year of marriage, and THEN have babies. But as I’ve said before, we plan, and God laughs. I sure felt like God was laughing. However, it was more of a feeling of being laughed at, and not with. 

16 & Pregnant 

I looked at all of my friends around me. Most of them weren’t married, let alone expecting a whole human to join their family. I am 24, yet for some reason it felt like I was watching an episode of “Teen Pregnancy” and I was the main cast.

 I judged myself, just like I had judged them. That thought of “I wonder what her parents think? They must be so disappointed. Her life, wasted with a child already.”  I felt like a black sheep in the world. Like everyone would focus on me under a magnifying glass if they knew I was pregnant.

I was so  fearful of what people thought of me. Even more afraid of what God thought of me. Is this what I get for not ‘waiting’ until marriage? For wanting to selfishly live my life for just a couple more years? Or did God know this was exactly what I needed? I wanted to believe in option 2 but my shame made me question that.

Shame Oxymoron 

I cried often, convinced that my youth was prematurely taken from me. The lie that ‘your life is over when you have kids’ constantly lingered in my mind. I knew I wanted to be selfish for a little while longer. Guilt overwhelmed me as I thought of all the women who can’t conceive but dream of it. 

These feelings disconnected me from my son. I was torn between feeling sorry for myself while simultaneously feeling sorry for my baby (because of my shame). I wanted to give this baby everything I could offer while simultaneously wanting all of me for myself. It was the greatest oxymoron I had ever battled with. 

Stigma 

There is certainly a blurry stigma around pregnancy these days. I’ve noticed a collective idea around having babies – that women should live their lives and establish themselves first. They must find themselves in a fulfilling job, travel the world, get married. A saddening idea that kids are a burden, an inconvenience, a disruption. That being a dog-mom is much easier, yet somehow superior, to being a human-mom.

After so many months of seeing social media flooded with these types of beliefs, I eventually gave into them myself. They stung more this time. 

Bite my Tongue 

Our moms would constantly ‘joke’ about us having babies. Give us grandchildren already! They would exclaim. With my response- “No way. not for a few more years. I’m not even close to ready. Plus, I don’t want to ‘lose my body’ yet.”

When I had my IUD removed, my obgyn asked if I wanted a new one. After I declined, she exclaimed- “but what if you get pregnant?!” I laughed it off, assuring her I’d be fine and that wouldn’t happen- that couldn’t happen!

All of this denial, only for me to become pregnant one month later.

Soul-filling Selflessness

My whole life I searched with all my might to find what my calling was. I’ve created countless vision boards, goal sheets, planners full of to-do lists to keep ‘productive’. Every failed attempt at finding my identity left me empty, confused, and even more lost than before. 

What was I meant to do? Who was I supposed to be? I dropped out of college hoping to find a career through experience. I started and stopped many projects, quitting when I let the weight of competition win. But there was one irreplaceable role for me. One that didn’t require me to ask God, ‘Is this for me?’ 

The Role of Mother

The moment my son was born, all of these feelings vanished. God blessed me with a miracle child because He knew it was what I needed in my life. A purpose unmatched to any profession I could fathom.

 Motherhood healed me of my destructive self image. My identity no longer remained in my looks, my body, my  job, or my income. I’ve had no choice but to step into a soul-filling selflessness, replenishing me with an incomparable sense of complete-ness and content. A once empty hole that has been filled by my son, Dean Shepherd. 

Shame has been replaced by confidence. Confidence in myself, in my marriage, and in my faith. God knew I could handle the pain, strength, and love that comes with pregnancy and motherhood. And for that, all I can feel is gratitude, honor, and humility. 

Shame does not Hold me 

I firmly believe shame, self-judgment, and embarrassment we’re not my emotions to bear. I stepped into fear, rather than trust, questioning God’s motives. Trying to control, instead of trying to surrender. I was given a gift. One that I did not know how to accept. In an attempt to control the situation, I lost control of my thoughts, and I let them win. But there was a great victory. Shame does not hold me anymore.