I Had to Lose Myself to Learn How to Love Myself

Self love is a concept I have battled with for years. It is not a destination as I always thought it would be. The journey of falling in love with yourself is a life long process, as it has to be practiced daily. I’ve had endless waves of self acceptance, and then waves of complete worthlessness. However, over the summer, I experienced something like never before during a camping trip. I wanted to spread this story immediately. Yet, knowing myself, I wasn’t sure if I’d fall back into old habits. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t another passing phase before trying to help someone else. These are the steps I took to create long term results to carry the self love generated on a camping trip into every day life.

Post-75Hard Identity Crisis

January 20th I made a promise to myself to complete a physical and mental challenge called 75Hard. If you don’t know what it is, you can find it here, or on my Youtube Channel.

During those 75 days, so much had happened. I completely changed my physical appearance, I met my boyfriend (in the coffee shop where TheCafeChronicles.com originated.. His name is Brian),  COVID19 shut the world down, I started a Youtube channel, and I proved to myself what I am capable of. Unfortunately, among all of the exciting changes and challenges, I lost sight of myself.

An identity crisis is defined as…

“a period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person’s sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society.”

Google

After 75 Hard was over, I abruptly stopped all the habits I was consistently doing… and more. I went back to life without a challenge. Eating like a normal person, drinking white claws daily, lounging around because I was unemployed, no longer working out consistently, my diet went from one extreme to the next. I held my value in my physical appearance and my work habit. When both started to slip, I slowly but surely lost sight of who I was. Constantly walking around feeling shame, defeat, and discouragement led me to feel more insecure than ever before.

Holding the job title of “personal trainer” and writing many posts about self love and body acceptance, I felt like I was only living a lie. I needed to step away from social media and my blog. If I wanted to help people, but I needed help myself, I wasn’t in the position to do such a thing.

“When you spend your whole life defining yourself in one way and that disappears, who are you now?”

Jame Clear, Atomic Habits

Envisioning Self Love

July 3rd, Brian and I drove upstate for a camping trip. According to his stories, it sounded like the plan was to eat, drink, hit the beach, hike a little bit, then drink some more. That all sounded amazing! But, the thought of walking on a beach with my body dysmorphia at its peak had me drowning in anxious thoughts.

During the beautiful 4 hour drive up, I had lots of time to think. We talked a bunch, listened to music, and gawked at the view. About halfway along, I began to think about my body. Before my negative thoughts could spiral, I stopped to start envisioning the opposite. Something reminded me that the more I imagine feeling a certain way, the more likely it will become my reality, and I wasn’t going to question that something.

It was this moment that would be the pivotal point for the 6 months to follow. I closed my eyes, thinking about what it would feel like to let go of my body stress, enjoying this trip, free of worry about what I look like. These envisioned events were so vivid that I actually began to feel the corresponding emotions. I visualized walking on the beach feeling confident, care free, and genuinely happy. Moments later, I woke up. We were only an hour away. 

Turning Point..

It was the following morning, 4th of July, and it couldnt have been a more beautiful day. We woke up to nature at its finest, drinking coffee, making jokes, reading a bit, and watching everyone head out in their 4th of July attire. Then, it was time to hit the beach. As I walked to the bathroom to change into my bikini, I was a nervous wreck. “There’s no turning back now! You cant put on a big T-shirt, just do it, you’re gonna be fine”

I used the same strategy from the car ride. I silenced the negative thoughts, put the darn bathing suit on, and made the choice to have the best day regardless. We got to the beach, and I tried my hardest to avoid even thinking about how I looked.

After a couple drinks I ran to the bathroom.. When I looked in the mirror I could’ve screamed with joy…. It worked. The visualization worked. I skipped out of the bathroom, elated because I finally listened to my intuition and cut off my negative thoughts. To add to that, I felt that way for the entire weekend!

When we got home, part of me worried that my body dysmorphia would come back, so I knew I had to do some work.

Body Dysmporhia is REAL

I was giving my phone a cleanse one day, deleting some of the hundreds of before and after collages I had stored in my camera roll. As I was looking through, I realized I really did have body dysmorphia. Pictures I used to once look at with disgust, I was now looking at in admiration and appreciation. My mind was playing tricks on me all this time, making me see myself in the darkest light. Between unhealthy comparison, unstainable eating habits, and unrealistic goals, I convinced myself that what I looked like was never good enough.

Understanding that body dysmoprhia is a real thing, I used this awareness to help myself. I refused to simply accept that I would live with this, and did everything I could to possess body acceptance by choice.

Body Dysmorphia is defined as

“The body-image disorder involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance.”

In order to overcome this, I had to begin obsessing over what I appreciated about my body image, rather than what I believed to be flaws.

Body Acceptance and Gratitude

Instead of nit picking and overanalyzing my “weaknesses” in the mirror, I began to pick out every part that I loved. This might sound crazy but, the more I did this, I found more and more to feel grateful for. What began as one detail, turned into two, then three, and so on. Sometimes I’d fall into old ways, judging, or being too critical,. In those moments I will try my hardest to find at least one attribute to think “huh that’s pretty cool about me!” and move on.

Circle of Influence

My favorite Author John C. Maxwell said, “People can trace the successes and failures in their lives to their most significant relationships.” You always hear speak of your association, circle of influence, “be careful who your friends are.” It couldn’t be more true. The people you spend your time and energy with should encourage you, support you, lift you up, speak life and hope into you! In times when I doubt myself, lose sight of my value, or lose determination to grow, I can say I am blessed to have people around me who will not allow me to stay there very long.

You become who you surround yourself with! If you are constantly around confident, positive, consistent people, you will become all of those things in a matter of time. If you are unhappy with where you are in your life, take a look at your circle of association.

Social Media Cleanse

Stepping away from social media for months was one of the greatest choices I could’ve made for my self image. Immediately I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. There was no more comparison, wasted time scrolling, pressure to post, pretending like everything was going well.

Doing this also gave me so much more freedom and time to dive into books and podcasts. My focus went from selfies and workouts, to development and growth.

Using Social Media to Expand Self Love

Usually, social media is the root cause of body dysmorphia. When I went back on to Instagram, I began to use it to my advantage.

I unfollowed any pages that were causing further self judgement. Seeing bikini models and photoshopped, overly posed pictures was no longer serving me. I looked for women who were real, raw, and honest, looking to make a difference in other women’s lives! Instagram is filled with overly-edited, fake, photoshopped pictures that we believe to be real. I was not going to compare myself to women who don’t look like their own photos anymore.

I also began watching self love TikToks! Seeing other women embrace, accept, and love their body has empowered me to do the same.

No Quick Fix to Self Love, Only Consistent Habits Built Overtime

Of course there are good moments and bad moments. This is not a smooth, seamless journey. I try to observe my attitude when I’m feeling down. If I don’t, I have people in my life to call me out and help me find out why I’m feeling a certain way. Our destructive thoughts are rooted somewhere, so we must try to find where they began. Oftentimes I will catch a thought and let it sit in my mind. The longer I let it sit, the stronger it grows. Think about when you lose something, and you retrace your steps to find it. I take the same set of actions when I feel down. I (try to) trace back to what thoughts might have caused me to feel a certain way.

Since July, I have been trying to uproot years of these thought patterns. It is definitely not something that can be changed immediately, it is a daily habit of mindful awareness. However, it does get easier to spot your thoughts and shift them before you think yourself into madness. Your thoughts create your reality. Increase your awareness of them and change them, so you can live the life you want.