RELATIONSHIPS – Self Love Edition

I am not here to tell you how to be in a relationship
Or how to find a soulmate
Or how to make your relationship last 

Because the truth it, I don’t know. 
But from 6 years of self work and mistakes in relationships, I’ve learned a bit. 

This post is to share all of the steps and internal work that should be improved before entering a partnership with another person.

DISCLAIMER ; I’m not against relationships – & I am not trying to persuade anyone from being in one. However .. I’ve seen too many relationships ruin too many people, including myself. These are all the lessons I’ve learned from all the f*ck ups I’ve made, that I am trying to save you from.

Basically, advice I wish I could give to my younger self. 

Relationships are Complex

Relationships are very complex. Human emotions are even more complex. 

Many of us think that relationships are all fun and passion. That is, until the honeymoon phase quickly fades, reality sets in, and you realize that a relationship is WORK. Not only working together as partners, but working on YOURSELF. It can be messy if you don’t reflect and analyze yourself as you grow and change as a person.

Trust, vulnerability, letting go of your ego, putting your pride to the side, and admitting when you’re wrong. There is a lot that goes into sharing your life with someone. If you’re unprepared, and you blindly enter a relationship without the stability, maturity and responsibility that is necessary for it, you may set yourself up for the most horrific, unenjoyable rollercoaster of emotion from hell. 

Latching onto Toxic Partners

If you’ve ever been in a relationship in which your partner begins to make you feel insecure, jealous, skeptical, or unloved, did you give your partner multiple chances to change? Did you remain in the relationship hoping to see a difference, making up excuses for their actions, or lack of? Or did you leave immediately?

Do not settle in a relationship that is not making you happy because you feel the need to stay due to security you lack within yourself. After so many chances, it comes to a point that you are just afraid of letting go.

I know. Trust me, I know! You feel like you’ll never find someone. You’ll die alone if you don’t stay in this relationship. You’re never going to find love. You fear that if you break up with this person, you will never find someone else who accepts you.. right? “No one will ever love you the way (x) does !” Meanwhile (x) doesn’t treat you the way you deserve.

Fear of Loneliness

This fear arises from the lack of self assurance you give YOURSELF. You feel like you need it from someone else, and you fear being alone and feeling “unloved” or “worthless” because no one is feeding you validation. There have been times I remained in a relationship I wasn’t happy in because I feared being alone. For months I thought things would change, but it was my fear disguised as false hope.

As humans, we crave being wanted and feeling loved. But if you find yourself in a toxic, unhealthy relationship all because you want to feel like someone wants you, get OUT. It’s easier said than done, but you need to take a step back and analyze yourself. The emotional trauma is not worth it. Stop sacrificing your happiness.

The only outcomes from remaining in a toxic relationship are trust issues, self-hate, doubt, horrible body image – you will need to heal for years to come. (Be aware of these traits before entering a relationship, as you risk these bleeding into your next relationship. Heal yourself before committing to another partner.)

Who are you? Know Yourself Before entering a Relationship

Before entering any relationship, before you choose to share your life with another person.. Understand your emotions. Understand the way you’re wired. Appreciate yourself and recognize the person you are. Know yourself through and through so no one can tell you who you are. Be confident in the person you are, so you can be confident in your relationship. When you’re a secure person, you won’t need to be snooping through messages, or threatening people (in your mind) that check out your partner (guilty).

If you don’t complete this crucial step, you will lose yourself within this relationship. You will be insecure, jealous, and convince yourself you’re not worth anything. You will find yourself in a state of self-comparison constantly.. Everywhere you go, including social media.

2 years ago I entered a very healthy and happy relationship. Everything was great, we rarely fought, and we made great strides in our lives together.

Overtime, I allowed my insecurities to get the best of me. I managed to create so many unnecessary fights, arguments, and trust issues within the relationship. I was constantly questioning, doubting, and lacking trust.

It has been a year since then- through journaling, self awareness, creating this blog, and taking time off of social media, I’ve overcome my issues including uncertainty, self hate, and self doubt. The key to self love, confidence, and awareness, is to explore your skills, passions, thought patterns. I sound like a broken record but journaling and writing down your thoughts is the key to unraveling your mind.

Why we Crave to be Loved

When I entered highschool, I began to develop out of my chubby, tomboy, awkward stage. Any guy that looked my way I thought would be my soon to be husband. I swear I think I had a crush on every single guy to breathe when I became a teenager. There is no shame in admitting this because it proves a very important point.

I was so used to being this awkward, clumsy girl. When I was given attention, I latched on to it, because I feared I would never get it again. I was the textbook definition of insecure. I saw myself as the girl I was when I was younger. My fear of not feeling wanted, appreciated, loved, accepted, and validated were so strong, that when attention came my way, I attached to it.

Unfortunately, I learned the hard way.

Through repetitive mistakes during and after relationships, I realized I had to overcome this dark trait I carried around. I never noticed it until years later, relationships later, mistakes later. Why did I feel I needed someone else? Why did I attach so easily? It all goes back to my lack of self assurance. I didn’t know myself or appreciate myself. 

Before entering a relationship, ask yourself if you are beginning this journey for the right reasons. Theres a quote … “You can’t love someone else until you love yourself” – Do I agree with it? Well, partially. If you don’t truly have love for yourself, how do you know if you actually love your partner, or if you just love the attention and worth they give to you? Sure, you can develop self love within a relationship, and your partner can heal you, help you grow, and make you see the true beauty within you. I’ve experienced both ends, and maybe you have too.

The love you keep trying to find in someone else, in some other relationship, is the love you haven’t found in yourself. Instead of looking around you, look within you.. in your thoughts, in your passions, in the MIRROR.

Self Care = Self Love

I think we confuse the term ‘self care’ with face masks, manicures, and bath bombs. While these are all great forms of down time spent with yourself, self care goes way deeper. We only go to the surface, but we need to go much much further than that.

We all need to work on ourselves relentlessly. No matter how outrageous it might seem, we can create the life we want for ourselves. Read books, write, start exercising, go grocery shopping, buy yourself a new wardrobe, do something good for yourself, alone. Do something that makes you proud of yourself. Become independent, and know that regardless of whether or not you’re in a relationship, you will be strong, confident, and bad-ass on your own.

Reverting back to my Passion post, try new things. Stop labeling yourself. Stop putting yourself in a BOX. We get so comfortable in our lives, being average, settling where we are, missing out on so many amazing things in the world, because we hold ourselves back from growth because were scared.

Fall in love with your own company.

Focus so intensely on your goals, your life, and your priorities. Don’t go searching for a partner, they will come – I promise you. However, in the meantime, put your blinders on and zone in on you until you feel true self love and worth.

Don’t search for a partner until you’ve found meaning in your life without someone else in it. Be your own soulmate, fall in love with your company and be secure doing things for yourself by yourself.

Take Accountability – Self Analysis

Many of you might be reading this, denying all of these issues and unhealthy traits.

I was unaware of my destructive qualities until I completely lost myself and no longer recognized the person I became overtime. All of my trust issues, body image problems, etc. were practically subconscious. I took time ALONE to look back on my life and some of the decisions I’ve made. I always denied that I carried any of these horrible characteristics. But after letting my life spiral, I had to take some accountability and admit to myself that I was not the person I wanted to be.

I felt shame, embarrassment and regret for letting myself go down such a dark path. However, I worked hard daily to forgive myself, accept my mistakes, and move forward. You learn the biggest lessons from making the biggest mistakes. It is from these wrong choices that you can grow and reach your highest potential and be the person you want to be.

Let go of any baggage you might be carrying around with you. Begin a relationship loving the person you are, confident and proud.

Recap

Fill yourself with the love and attention that you so desperately crave from someone else. Get to know yourself and fall in love with your company by doing the things you love on your own. Get out of your comfort zone and try new things daily. Stop searching for your soulmate. Stop lowering your standards, settling for sh%t, and dumbing yourself down. Know yourself through and through, enough that if people try to label you, you’re unphased, because you know who you are. Find confidence in yourself and be the badass you’re meant to be.

Know yourself enough that when you DO enter a relationship, you’re ready.